God, a note to you..

Do you remember that time I stood before you at your altar and pleaded for a life?

The life of a woman I had never met?

Do you remember how I begged you to spare her for the sake of the three small little children she had?

I even went to some remote temple on hearing from friends that your presence there was very powerful and heartfelt prayers were always heeded. I should have known better.

I spared no church either in my endeavours to make you hear my voice. Outside mosques too I said a silent prayer for her sake hoping you would listen.

Do you remember how one day, at that temple, I wept before you and offered you my young life in exchange. The loss of my life, that of a student, would have been negligible when compared to the life of a mother being taken away.

Did you heed my prayers?

Did you even glance my way?

You took her life the very next morning after I had met her for the first time and held her hand as she lay writhing in pain on her deathbed.

For a brief moment, as I sat caressing her hand, she had opened her eyes and looked right into my eyes…

A look I shall never forget.

To her I was a stranger but to me, she was my sister.

Mini chechi.

Her death is the only one that has hurt me to date. I remember how I shut myself in my room and wept endlessly. The fact that those three beautiful little ones had lost their mother hurt so bad.

How could you be so cruel?

I begged you didn’t I…?

Or is it the fact that I am an agnostic that made you ignore me?

With that I lost whatever scraps of faith I had left in me about going to places of worship.

2 years back you sent my way yet another lady. A family friend of my husband’s, she stayed with us while she underwent treatments.

The same treatments that proved futile for my Mini chechi.

Coincidentally, this lady too is named Mini and we call her Mini chechi.

Last night my father-in-law called me to tell me that some complications have arisen and that she has been admitted back at the medical college in Thrissur.

Apparently the 2 years of treatments that had wrecked her body, mind and spirit weren’t killing the disease within her.

She is going be operated upon today or tomorrow to fix an external box to her large intestine so that faeces  can be collected and disposed. She can no longer have bowel movements owing to the growth within her. The doctors have given up on her. They have stopped giving her food and she is now fed only 50ml of water every few hours. She lies writhing in pain every minute she’s awake.

She has an only daughter. A 16 year old girl who stands beside her, helpless as she watches her mother struggle.

To add to that barely days back you informed me that another loved one, a woman who stood by me through the toughest stages of my life too is ill and that she too is facing that very same disease.

Why do you do this….?

If you are as kind and benevolent as they say you are, why do you hurt  good people with such torture… ?

If you are as kind and benevolent as they say you are, why have you created this thing they call ‘Cancer’?

A disease that shatters you, stripping you bare of your spirit.

The sight of Mini chechi writhing in pain on her death bed hasn’t left my heart yet. I still can hear those groans and feel her palm in my hand.

What pleasure do you get out of hurting those who love you most? All of them are so devout. So much more than I am..

I don’t understand you.

I feel so lost.

A bit at a time you have brought down the world around me.

A bit at a time you have shattered every bit of faith I have had in you.

They say God is Love.

Anbe shivam.

I believed in that too. Guess I still do.

But then what are all these structures I see around me – churches, temples, mosques- all for…?

Why is there so much chaos in the name of whom they call “God”?

Why was I taught right from childhood to believe in the existence of something or someone who never existed in the first place…?

Who or what is God..?

If you do exist, please….please…. please… end this suffering they have done nothing to deserve.

Not just my loved ones. Nobody, absolutely nobody deserves to undergo such torture and pain……



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